Not quite as planned...

Alas, my week has not gone as I planned...

I've actually had quite a decent week, felt extremely determined all week to not binge. I wanted/want it SO bad...to prove to myself, I can...

Long story short I feel like I just totally failed...I hate the feeling after and during a binge. That out of control, weak, anxious, failure, incompetent, helpless, trapped feeling. I now have to figure out how to get my mind to accept that I was not "perfect", and try and not let it continue the rest of the weekend.

However, I don't have a whole bunch of plans and fear that I just don't have it in me to distract myself the whole weekend (which is only 2 days), but when it comes to trying to avoid binge eating for that long seems like so much longer. I'm tired....I've been fighting all week.

I have to say I'm pretty proud of how my week has gone up until half an hour ago. Even then, I didn't completely lose myself...which I think contributes to this anxiety and edgy-ness right now...kinda like stopping mid binge, which sometimes is way more difficult and uncomfortable to do.

I feel like I'm trying so hard, though it doesn't seem like anyone would be able to tell. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, but...I just wish someone would acknowledge my efforts. However I suppose that is hard to do when most in my life haven't a clue of my struggles with food...

I've had a few glimpses this week though, of hope and of getting closer to freedom. And it felt amazing...I need to remember those, and not dwell on what and how I am feeling right now. Don't let it get to me....don't let it ruin progress that I have made, steps in the RIGHT direction I HAVE taken.

I need to be my own cheerleader, though sometimes that is exhausting....but at some point I need to be responsible for MY OWN actions. No one else can want and will freedom for me, and make it happen unless I keep fighting for myself and put forth the effort however frustrating and exhausted I may be at times. However relentless things may seem, I am responsible for my actions and I need to continue to fight....ask for support when needed, but I can't depend on someone else to want it for me more than I am willing to work for it.

Loneliness

It's lonely struggling with an ed. Just because I recently have truly been desiring to have a life, friends, a passion (outside of exercise), hobbies....doesn't mean it's easy to just change everything.

I am discovering I have way too much down time these days, and it's not healthy for my mind, but again just because I realize this...doesn't mean I can all of sudden just create these wonderful fulfilling activities to occupy my time. I'm working on it though....in the process of applying for a full-time summer job, taking summer classes, a few other activities planned this summer that I am actually looking forward to. I'm so excited to be getting away for a short bit this summer where I won't have to worry about food or planning a days worth of activities to keep myself out of trouble. All of that will be taken care of, and I'll get to be around people my age, and just feel like a "normal" person my age. I can't wait...however I have over a month still before that happens and I seriously need to be more proactive about plans, especially for the weekends. I struggle so much on the weekends, but the sad thing is I can't think of things I could do that would make the time go by faster, things that I would enjoy. I would really like to be able to hang out with people, but then I realize "oh wait....I haven't been so good about developing and nurturing relationships", aside from the one with ed. It makes it that much harder to get out.

I really feel like this process would be so much easier with more support. I suppose I should stop whining about it and do something about it. Relationships are tough though, especially if you've got some social anxiety going on.

I'll figure it out...I'm determined to have a good week, I'm just struggling with having so much time alone, literally not knowing what to do with it.

Ideas, if anyone is reading?

Why is this so difficult?

Sometimes I wish someone could just "figure me out"....my thoughts, my deepest desires, when I need a push, when and how to comfort me.

I just wanna feel safe and secure...for even just a bit. I constantly feel like I have to stay on guard (from ed), it's extremely tiring...and some days I just don't have the energy to fight for myself, I wish someone would fight for me during those times, or at fight with me. I sound so melodramtic...I'm quite fortunate actually, have plenty of great people in my life, so why is it that I can't seem to find anyone to help me through this?

Perhaps there isn't ONE "right person"...I seem to find flaws in everyone that tries to help me. I can't seem to fully trust anyone....so many times I wish I could just "let go" for a little bit. Have someone else I "trust" deal with decisions about food, and what not....the challenge is finding someone I trust to fully to able to confide in all these hang ups I have with food and exercise. I have people in whom I trust and value their opinion, but they don't understand the nature/mindset of someone who struggles with an ed.

Then I have the ones who know and are more familiar with the ed stuff, but I can't seem to find an "ed professional" that I trust. I just disagree with....well...yeah.

Sometimes I wonder if there is there is just something wrong with me, or if it's that I truly just have not found the right support. Sigh....i don't know....

I have a long day ahead, not sure what I'm gonna do with it....hope I find the drive to get up and stop moping around....

Reminding myself of the positives...

I usually tend to write when feeling really down and lonely. I suppose that is because those are the times I just feel the need to seek some connection...to not feel so alone, to express, to sort through, just let some of it out.

I want to remind myself of some of the positive things that I have done lately, so often I get SO focused on my struggles, "failures", dwell on disappointments and struggles.

So Wed. I had a rough day, and I blogged and kept telling myself one bad day will not ruin the rest of my week. I made plans for Thurs., got out of the house, met with a friend, and had a much better day. I am glad I was able to not isolate and move on...

I have been working on being more flexible with my exercise routine, trying to listen to my body when it's tired, making an effort to spend more time and energy focusing on other areas and priorities in life.

Food wise, I have made great steps forward...one of which is being able to eat foods mainly vegetables/stir fry cooked in oil....which I have not been able to do "safely" in years. Lately I've been eating foods that my mom cooks without the need to measure or know exactly whats in foods that I'm eating, which is great for me. I won't get too in depth with food stuff, wouldn't want to be triggering to anyone else who might be reading.

I've had a deeper desire for intimate relationships. Not necessarily "intimate", like significant other, but just connecting on a deeper level with others. However, I have yet to figure out where to meet people my age. It sounds so sad to not know where to go to "find friends". I tend to be more of a private and shy person....and it doesn't help struggling with an ed either. It makes me feel like I have to hide such a big part of myself, like I can't be totally honest, only able to give people a glimpse of my life. I wish I had a "best" friend. Someone who I could share my pain and joys with. A mutual and equal relationship, one where I could be there for the other person and contribute positively to their life as they do to mine. One where I didn't feel like a burden, or one where I feel like I am taking more than I am able to give. Someone I could cry and laugh with, and laugh until I cried with....and that could do the same around me.

It's been so long since I feel like I've been in a close mutual relationship. I've had some mentors in my life, that have become friends, but it's not quite the same...as I feel like the relationship is not quite balanced. I feel like I have less to offer them, or am unable to give as much as I receive from the relationship, and that makes me uncomfortable...

And another one of my rambles...not even gonna go back and re-read before posting...

Good night, praying for sweet dreams and peace of mind for all those struggling...

Mixed feelings about the weekends

Part of me is always so excited for the weekend...to get a "break". Unfortunately "Ed" doesn't seem to take a break....struggling with an eating disorder is relentlessly exhausting and draining to say the least.

I am continuously reminded of how lonely I am on the weekends. It's so hard...so many times when I'm around people, I just want to be alone....however when I'm alone I so desperately wish to have a friend around. I don't know what to do with myself.

My thoughts are constantly consumed with food, eating, exercise....

Sigh, frustrated....that's all. I'm trying not to engage in eating disordered crap this evening...

Feeling vunerable...

...is not an emotion I enjoy.

I have so much on my mind, it's been a really rough day...I don't really feel like sorting out my thoughts and making them into coherent sentences.

Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, attempting to make plans for tomorrow to do what I can to make sure to turn things around and not let having a rough day linger and ruin the rest of my week.

One step at a time, get back up after falling down, I'll make it...I WILL be FREE! Can't do it alone though...working on relationships and trying to spend more time with people and not isolate recently...I feel it's important.

Anyways...today WILL NOT ruin the rest of my week. I want to live, not simply exist and get by. I'm tired of this cycle, going in circles, working so hard only to find I "let myself break", then having to spend so much energy "putting myself back together"...doing it over and over again...same thing, getting no where. There's nothing I can do to undo the decisions I made today, I am working on learning, growing, and moving on....

I just want peace of mind and joy...

I wanna smile, laugh, be happy from deep within. Have that peace of mind, be carefree for just a minute.

Ed is such a complex and complicated monster to try and get rid of. The more twisted thing is as miserable as it feels to struggle with an Ed, I still find myself hanging on and being reluctant to want to FULLY give up ALL and EVERY bit of the eating disorder.

I've been really lonely and frustrated this weekend. Sad that I don't have real and healthy relationships...because I've been too wrapped up in maintaining the one with Ed the past several years. Finding myself hiding in shame, fear, disgust with myself....

I'm finding I am just flat out lazy sometimes. I don't doubt I want to FULLY recover. I am reluctant when it comes to what it will take to fully recover...the uncomfortable process, the work...
Sometimes I just wish someone could take this Ed, and everything negative it brings with it, anyway from me. It's so draining some days, it's so complex...I feel like I begin to make progress in one area only to then discover or create another. It's a cycle of recognizing, working on, progressing in one area, only to find myself compensating in some other way in another area. It's relentless, some days I'm exhausted, drained, feel like I'm the only one, that no one understands the depth of emotions I feel. I feel so alone....and that emptiness only drives me further into the depth and grasp of Ed.

I want so much to have a life. To be able to go on vacation without the anxiety Ed brings. I want to be confident in who I am, to feel secure enough to just be me. (Whoever that is...) I want to have real mutually benefiting relationships. I want to be secure enough with myself so I can be truly be happy for others successes and not feeling the mixed emotions of happiness yet jealous at the same time. I want to have a place I feel like I belong, can make a difference, am accepted, can encourage others while being encouraged at the same time.

I hurt today....deep within, longing for things....yet ironically finding myself reluctant to do anything different, but wishing someone would see, be willing, have the patience and know how to help me find the freedom I so desperately desire.

Sigh...sometimes I feel like I sound so pathetic....

I really am truly blessed, which only makes it that much harder sometimes for me to figure out how I could possibly struggle so much despite everything I have been given....am I just ungrateful and greedy? Perhaps....

Frustrated...

Been so frustrated lately....unsure what to do.

I have such a hard time expressing my deep and true emotions....sometimes I wish people could just read my mind. It's so hard for me to verbally articulate my feelings. They are all up there, and I'm aware of a lot and have a lot of opinions, my problem is verbalizing them.

I have SO much to say during the week, then when it comes time for me to talk....I freeze....my words get all jumbled, I can't express what I want to in my mind, it comes out all wrong. I feel misunderstood....scared I may have unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings due to my inability to speak and express emotions elloquently :(

I'm so torn....I sometimes just wish there was someone who knew what I needed without me having to tell them. Someone to comfort me the way I feel like I need, security, unconditional love and support, acceptance....

I feel like I sound so pathetic sometimes....sigh...I guess it's just one of those lonely days....

Incontent

Lately when I'm busy, with whatever it is that I'm busy doing...I wish I could just get some time to relax and be by myself. Then when I'm by myself....I start racking my brain for SOMETHING to do...somewhere to go where I can get out of my own head!

I'm so drained, yet I don't even seem to do that much...I think it's just that even though I'm not actually physically and tangibly being productive, my mind still constantly goes. I don't know anymore. I saw a new counselor this week...since it was the first time at this place, he just asked me a bunch of questions (an assessment). Then I guess I'll either be paired up with a therapist asap, or might be put on the waiting list...depending on how busy they are right now. I don't know...ANOTHER therapist? Therapy just hasn't done much for me in the past...but I want to give it a shot, AGAIN.

UGH! It's just frustrating....this freaking ed has become so ingrained...and then these days I wonder if ed is really the problem? I mean most people who struggle with an ed have a dual diagnosis...whether it be anxiety, depression, ocd, bpd.....sigh....I just feel so at a loss sometimes. I just want to be able to enjoy life!!

Sigh....this is all just so screwed up sometimes...I would elaborate on my screwed up thoughts, but when I attempt to express them and either hear what I'm saying or read what I write....it just seems so wrong the ed  influenced thoughts I have....they are just so wrong....yet part of me continues to cling and protect ed. WTF is all I got sometimes...

Some days are just tough...

Some days are just tough...I've had a rough few days of isolating. Who's fault is that? My own...

I am left after these few days wondering and feeling overwhelmed...
Feeling overwhelmed I might never find the person/right group of people to help me through this, scared, alone....
Overwhelmed at the thought of school right now...wanting to quit
Wanting to quit "therapy" all together....

Just truly struggling with not having anyone close that I feel comforted turning to in these times of depair and doubt. Some days I just want a hug, to be held, to be reassured that it'll be ok....to be reassured that I have unconditional support no matter what.

I'm scared about what it will take for me to "let go"...

I could just really use some reassurance right now I guess...

Just needing an outlet....

So I'm not sure what's on my mind, probably cause there seems to be a constant flow of endless thoughts. I'm currently trying to stay distracted, waiting to see if my friend will text me wanting to do hang out...I asked her to let me know if she ended up not doing much today....

Why is it that I always end up feel like a burden though? Like there are so many days I can't quite fathom why someone else would actually enjoy hanging out with me. Often with many of the people in my life (and I'm lucky to be surrounded by many kind hearted people) I end up feeling like they invite me over or to hang out because they feel bad for me...despite the fact they tell me they enjoy my company...I don't always believe it.

I struggle with social anxiety (not technically diagnosed), but nevertheless....sometimes I feel like those who are sensitive to my anxiety are also made anxious when I am around. Like you know when sometimes you're around another people who are stressing out, it can make you a little edgy too? So anyways my point is then I feel bad cause I feel like I'm causing others to be uncomfortable too...and that makes me sad...like it wouldn't bother me if I were the only one affected by my anxiety, but when it makes others I'm hanging out with feel like anxious cause they feel like they need to keep from making me anxious....yeah....

I wish I felt unconditionally loved and comfortable in my own skin (no pun intended), to just be me...there in lays another problem....who am "I"? It sounds cliche/silly sometimes...the thought of not know who "I" am? But seriously with everything I seem to have to question whether it's ed related or just a part of me. Like interests....I have to wonder whether I engage in working out/physical activity simply because I enjoy the activity I am doing, or is there an underlying ed reason sometimes? I'm sure both are true, but it's just hard when I can't even figure out simply things like what it is I like and dislike, intrests, hobbies, dreams, desires, without having to question whether this is a "me" thing or somewhat "ed" driven thing....does that even make sense?

Which leads me to another problem...."does that even make sense?" I feel like I have SO many thoughts/feelings, but I am not very articulate. So it's very frustrating to me when I'm trying to get a point across, but can't quite seem to do so. I'm WAY better at writing, than trying to verbally articulate things. But it's hard when there is so much going on inside, that I WANT to let out sometimes, but I don't know if it's the anxiety or what....my word get all jumbled up....or sometimes my mind just goes blank, which I would probably attribute to anxiety....

What else...it's hard not having much f2f support....and I feel like it's even harder to find good f2f support particularly for those struggling with an ed. The competition factor, and what not.....I really wish I had a close friend that I felt like I could relate to....and hang out with....and call to talk to when I am struggling. I have a few good friends I've met online and we keep in contact, which is helpful, but it's not quite the same as having a freind you can physically hang out with f2f when you just need someone else there....

A lot of times lately I just wish I had someone I could go to when I'm struggling....and feel safe....safe from ed.... (no worries I'm not a harm to myself or anyone else) other than struggling with an ed. When I say "safe" I guess I just mean that feeling of comfort and protection, that when I'm around this person/people I feel understood and "safe". Not that I'm in any harm...just often lonely, and isolate with ed...which = no good. Often I'm not strong enough on my own, and when I'm by myself I'm often edgy, contantly have to keep guard and be on my toes for ed. It would just be a relief to feel protected from ed, and not CONSTANTLY have to be on guard....it's relentless.....and extremely tiring and draining...

Well, I feel like this post is probably long enough....so until next time...

First Blog Post

So...I'm a little apprehensive about blogging and the idea of documenting my deepest feelings/thoughts online. I've heard once it's out there....it's out there...and there is no taking it back. Even if I were to delete a post there would still be some record of it...so that causes me some anxiety and makes me think twice.

I'm also terrified someone I know will find my blog, put the pieces together, and realize my "real identity" without me evening being aware...

However I'm learning there seem to be lots of things that make me anxious...

I struggle with an eating disorder, have for several years...it's mind boggling when I think about it some days...just how long I've been struggling. I wonder how I continue day after day like this. Miserable, feeling alone, simply existing and not living. Trapped in a viscious, relentless, sometimes seeming like a never ending cycle. Some days I think it's just become the norm for me, I've forgotten what it's truly like to live without the daily struggles of an eating disorder. I get a glimpse every once in a while...yet it seems inevitable that I get sucked back in.

A little about me currently....
I'm struggling to find truth. Not other people's opinion about what my life "should" look like, not what I think my life "should" be like, but the absolute truth....What is GOD's purpose for my life?? How has HE created me to be...and I KNOW I have a purpose. I'm just unsure of what that is at this point...

Specifically I've been struggling with the idea of medication, and whether I may possibly have a true chemical imbalance that REQUIRES medication. I'm not a big fan of meds...however it's been suggested to me that I should try them, and truth is I'm really struggling right now. I'm torn however...because there have been periods of my life where I was doing better, and more driven without the use of meds. I also question what is caused by a chemical imbalance, and what is just part of my personality and the way I was created.

Like I know I have high anxiety levels...always have, but that simply to me is not a reason for me to be medicated. I believe I need to learn healthy coping skills for dealing with it (no ed is not a HEALTHY coping skill), and not medication to make it "go away".

I don't know...there is so much more on my mind, however my mind is generally pretty restless. I'm gonna save my other thoughts for another time...