Not quite as planned...

Alas, my week has not gone as I planned...

I've actually had quite a decent week, felt extremely determined all week to not binge. I wanted/want it SO bad...to prove to myself, I can...

Long story short I feel like I just totally failed...I hate the feeling after and during a binge. That out of control, weak, anxious, failure, incompetent, helpless, trapped feeling. I now have to figure out how to get my mind to accept that I was not "perfect", and try and not let it continue the rest of the weekend.

However, I don't have a whole bunch of plans and fear that I just don't have it in me to distract myself the whole weekend (which is only 2 days), but when it comes to trying to avoid binge eating for that long seems like so much longer. I'm tired....I've been fighting all week.

I have to say I'm pretty proud of how my week has gone up until half an hour ago. Even then, I didn't completely lose myself...which I think contributes to this anxiety and edgy-ness right now...kinda like stopping mid binge, which sometimes is way more difficult and uncomfortable to do.

I feel like I'm trying so hard, though it doesn't seem like anyone would be able to tell. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, but...I just wish someone would acknowledge my efforts. However I suppose that is hard to do when most in my life haven't a clue of my struggles with food...

I've had a few glimpses this week though, of hope and of getting closer to freedom. And it felt amazing...I need to remember those, and not dwell on what and how I am feeling right now. Don't let it get to me....don't let it ruin progress that I have made, steps in the RIGHT direction I HAVE taken.

I need to be my own cheerleader, though sometimes that is exhausting....but at some point I need to be responsible for MY OWN actions. No one else can want and will freedom for me, and make it happen unless I keep fighting for myself and put forth the effort however frustrating and exhausted I may be at times. However relentless things may seem, I am responsible for my actions and I need to continue to fight....ask for support when needed, but I can't depend on someone else to want it for me more than I am willing to work for it.