First Blog Post

So...I'm a little apprehensive about blogging and the idea of documenting my deepest feelings/thoughts online. I've heard once it's out there....it's out there...and there is no taking it back. Even if I were to delete a post there would still be some record of it...so that causes me some anxiety and makes me think twice.

I'm also terrified someone I know will find my blog, put the pieces together, and realize my "real identity" without me evening being aware...

However I'm learning there seem to be lots of things that make me anxious...

I struggle with an eating disorder, have for several years...it's mind boggling when I think about it some days...just how long I've been struggling. I wonder how I continue day after day like this. Miserable, feeling alone, simply existing and not living. Trapped in a viscious, relentless, sometimes seeming like a never ending cycle. Some days I think it's just become the norm for me, I've forgotten what it's truly like to live without the daily struggles of an eating disorder. I get a glimpse every once in a while...yet it seems inevitable that I get sucked back in.

A little about me currently....
I'm struggling to find truth. Not other people's opinion about what my life "should" look like, not what I think my life "should" be like, but the absolute truth....What is GOD's purpose for my life?? How has HE created me to be...and I KNOW I have a purpose. I'm just unsure of what that is at this point...

Specifically I've been struggling with the idea of medication, and whether I may possibly have a true chemical imbalance that REQUIRES medication. I'm not a big fan of meds...however it's been suggested to me that I should try them, and truth is I'm really struggling right now. I'm torn however...because there have been periods of my life where I was doing better, and more driven without the use of meds. I also question what is caused by a chemical imbalance, and what is just part of my personality and the way I was created.

Like I know I have high anxiety levels...always have, but that simply to me is not a reason for me to be medicated. I believe I need to learn healthy coping skills for dealing with it (no ed is not a HEALTHY coping skill), and not medication to make it "go away".

I don't know...there is so much more on my mind, however my mind is generally pretty restless. I'm gonna save my other thoughts for another time...