I usually tend to write when feeling really down and lonely. I suppose that is because those are the times I just feel the need to seek some connection...to not feel so alone, to express, to sort through, just let some of it out.
I want to remind myself of some of the positive things that I have done lately, so often I get SO focused on my struggles, "failures", dwell on disappointments and struggles.
So Wed. I had a rough day, and I blogged and kept telling myself one bad day will not ruin the rest of my week. I made plans for Thurs., got out of the house, met with a friend, and had a much better day. I am glad I was able to not isolate and move on...
I have been working on being more flexible with my exercise routine, trying to listen to my body when it's tired, making an effort to spend more time and energy focusing on other areas and priorities in life.
Food wise, I have made great steps forward...one of which is being able to eat foods mainly vegetables/stir fry cooked in oil....which I have not been able to do "safely" in years. Lately I've been eating foods that my mom cooks without the need to measure or know exactly whats in foods that I'm eating, which is great for me. I won't get too in depth with food stuff, wouldn't want to be triggering to anyone else who might be reading.
I've had a deeper desire for intimate relationships. Not necessarily "intimate", like significant other, but just connecting on a deeper level with others. However, I have yet to figure out where to meet people my age. It sounds so sad to not know where to go to "find friends". I tend to be more of a private and shy person....and it doesn't help struggling with an ed either. It makes me feel like I have to hide such a big part of myself, like I can't be totally honest, only able to give people a glimpse of my life. I wish I had a "best" friend. Someone who I could share my pain and joys with. A mutual and equal relationship, one where I could be there for the other person and contribute positively to their life as they do to mine. One where I didn't feel like a burden, or one where I feel like I am taking more than I am able to give. Someone I could cry and laugh with, and laugh until I cried with....and that could do the same around me.
It's been so long since I feel like I've been in a close mutual relationship. I've had some mentors in my life, that have become friends, but it's not quite the same...as I feel like the relationship is not quite balanced. I feel like I have less to offer them, or am unable to give as much as I receive from the relationship, and that makes me uncomfortable...
And another one of my rambles...not even gonna go back and re-read before posting...
Good night, praying for sweet dreams and peace of mind for all those struggling...
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