I just want peace of mind and joy...

I wanna smile, laugh, be happy from deep within. Have that peace of mind, be carefree for just a minute.

Ed is such a complex and complicated monster to try and get rid of. The more twisted thing is as miserable as it feels to struggle with an Ed, I still find myself hanging on and being reluctant to want to FULLY give up ALL and EVERY bit of the eating disorder.

I've been really lonely and frustrated this weekend. Sad that I don't have real and healthy relationships...because I've been too wrapped up in maintaining the one with Ed the past several years. Finding myself hiding in shame, fear, disgust with myself....

I'm finding I am just flat out lazy sometimes. I don't doubt I want to FULLY recover. I am reluctant when it comes to what it will take to fully recover...the uncomfortable process, the work...
Sometimes I just wish someone could take this Ed, and everything negative it brings with it, anyway from me. It's so draining some days, it's so complex...I feel like I begin to make progress in one area only to then discover or create another. It's a cycle of recognizing, working on, progressing in one area, only to find myself compensating in some other way in another area. It's relentless, some days I'm exhausted, drained, feel like I'm the only one, that no one understands the depth of emotions I feel. I feel so alone....and that emptiness only drives me further into the depth and grasp of Ed.

I want so much to have a life. To be able to go on vacation without the anxiety Ed brings. I want to be confident in who I am, to feel secure enough to just be me. (Whoever that is...) I want to have real mutually benefiting relationships. I want to be secure enough with myself so I can be truly be happy for others successes and not feeling the mixed emotions of happiness yet jealous at the same time. I want to have a place I feel like I belong, can make a difference, am accepted, can encourage others while being encouraged at the same time.

I hurt today....deep within, longing for things....yet ironically finding myself reluctant to do anything different, but wishing someone would see, be willing, have the patience and know how to help me find the freedom I so desperately desire.

Sigh...sometimes I feel like I sound so pathetic....

I really am truly blessed, which only makes it that much harder sometimes for me to figure out how I could possibly struggle so much despite everything I have been given....am I just ungrateful and greedy? Perhaps....

Frustrated...

Been so frustrated lately....unsure what to do.

I have such a hard time expressing my deep and true emotions....sometimes I wish people could just read my mind. It's so hard for me to verbally articulate my feelings. They are all up there, and I'm aware of a lot and have a lot of opinions, my problem is verbalizing them.

I have SO much to say during the week, then when it comes time for me to talk....I freeze....my words get all jumbled, I can't express what I want to in my mind, it comes out all wrong. I feel misunderstood....scared I may have unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings due to my inability to speak and express emotions elloquently :(

I'm so torn....I sometimes just wish there was someone who knew what I needed without me having to tell them. Someone to comfort me the way I feel like I need, security, unconditional love and support, acceptance....

I feel like I sound so pathetic sometimes....sigh...I guess it's just one of those lonely days....