Some days are just tough...I've had a rough few days of isolating. Who's fault is that? My own...
I am left after these few days wondering and feeling overwhelmed...
Feeling overwhelmed I might never find the person/right group of people to help me through this, scared, alone....
Overwhelmed at the thought of school right now...wanting to quit
Wanting to quit "therapy" all together....
Just truly struggling with not having anyone close that I feel comforted turning to in these times of depair and doubt. Some days I just want a hug, to be held, to be reassured that it'll be ok....to be reassured that I have unconditional support no matter what.
I'm scared about what it will take for me to "let go"...
I could just really use some reassurance right now I guess...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Just needing an outlet....
So I'm not sure what's on my mind, probably cause there seems to be a constant flow of endless thoughts. I'm currently trying to stay distracted, waiting to see if my friend will text me wanting to do hang out...I asked her to let me know if she ended up not doing much today....
Why is it that I always end up feel like a burden though? Like there are so many days I can't quite fathom why someone else would actually enjoy hanging out with me. Often with many of the people in my life (and I'm lucky to be surrounded by many kind hearted people) I end up feeling like they invite me over or to hang out because they feel bad for me...despite the fact they tell me they enjoy my company...I don't always believe it.
I struggle with social anxiety (not technically diagnosed), but nevertheless....sometimes I feel like those who are sensitive to my anxiety are also made anxious when I am around. Like you know when sometimes you're around another people who are stressing out, it can make you a little edgy too? So anyways my point is then I feel bad cause I feel like I'm causing others to be uncomfortable too...and that makes me sad...like it wouldn't bother me if I were the only one affected by my anxiety, but when it makes others I'm hanging out with feel like anxious cause they feel like they need to keep from making me anxious....yeah....
I wish I felt unconditionally loved and comfortable in my own skin (no pun intended), to just be me...there in lays another problem....who am "I"? It sounds cliche/silly sometimes...the thought of not know who "I" am? But seriously with everything I seem to have to question whether it's ed related or just a part of me. Like interests....I have to wonder whether I engage in working out/physical activity simply because I enjoy the activity I am doing, or is there an underlying ed reason sometimes? I'm sure both are true, but it's just hard when I can't even figure out simply things like what it is I like and dislike, intrests, hobbies, dreams, desires, without having to question whether this is a "me" thing or somewhat "ed" driven thing....does that even make sense?
Which leads me to another problem...."does that even make sense?" I feel like I have SO many thoughts/feelings, but I am not very articulate. So it's very frustrating to me when I'm trying to get a point across, but can't quite seem to do so. I'm WAY better at writing, than trying to verbally articulate things. But it's hard when there is so much going on inside, that I WANT to let out sometimes, but I don't know if it's the anxiety or what....my word get all jumbled up....or sometimes my mind just goes blank, which I would probably attribute to anxiety....
What else...it's hard not having much f2f support....and I feel like it's even harder to find good f2f support particularly for those struggling with an ed. The competition factor, and what not.....I really wish I had a close friend that I felt like I could relate to....and hang out with....and call to talk to when I am struggling. I have a few good friends I've met online and we keep in contact, which is helpful, but it's not quite the same as having a freind you can physically hang out with f2f when you just need someone else there....
A lot of times lately I just wish I had someone I could go to when I'm struggling....and feel safe....safe from ed.... (no worries I'm not a harm to myself or anyone else) other than struggling with an ed. When I say "safe" I guess I just mean that feeling of comfort and protection, that when I'm around this person/people I feel understood and "safe". Not that I'm in any harm...just often lonely, and isolate with ed...which = no good. Often I'm not strong enough on my own, and when I'm by myself I'm often edgy, contantly have to keep guard and be on my toes for ed. It would just be a relief to feel protected from ed, and not CONSTANTLY have to be on guard....it's relentless.....and extremely tiring and draining...
Well, I feel like this post is probably long enough....so until next time...
Why is it that I always end up feel like a burden though? Like there are so many days I can't quite fathom why someone else would actually enjoy hanging out with me. Often with many of the people in my life (and I'm lucky to be surrounded by many kind hearted people) I end up feeling like they invite me over or to hang out because they feel bad for me...despite the fact they tell me they enjoy my company...I don't always believe it.
I struggle with social anxiety (not technically diagnosed), but nevertheless....sometimes I feel like those who are sensitive to my anxiety are also made anxious when I am around. Like you know when sometimes you're around another people who are stressing out, it can make you a little edgy too? So anyways my point is then I feel bad cause I feel like I'm causing others to be uncomfortable too...and that makes me sad...like it wouldn't bother me if I were the only one affected by my anxiety, but when it makes others I'm hanging out with feel like anxious cause they feel like they need to keep from making me anxious....yeah....
I wish I felt unconditionally loved and comfortable in my own skin (no pun intended), to just be me...there in lays another problem....who am "I"? It sounds cliche/silly sometimes...the thought of not know who "I" am? But seriously with everything I seem to have to question whether it's ed related or just a part of me. Like interests....I have to wonder whether I engage in working out/physical activity simply because I enjoy the activity I am doing, or is there an underlying ed reason sometimes? I'm sure both are true, but it's just hard when I can't even figure out simply things like what it is I like and dislike, intrests, hobbies, dreams, desires, without having to question whether this is a "me" thing or somewhat "ed" driven thing....does that even make sense?
Which leads me to another problem...."does that even make sense?" I feel like I have SO many thoughts/feelings, but I am not very articulate. So it's very frustrating to me when I'm trying to get a point across, but can't quite seem to do so. I'm WAY better at writing, than trying to verbally articulate things. But it's hard when there is so much going on inside, that I WANT to let out sometimes, but I don't know if it's the anxiety or what....my word get all jumbled up....or sometimes my mind just goes blank, which I would probably attribute to anxiety....
What else...it's hard not having much f2f support....and I feel like it's even harder to find good f2f support particularly for those struggling with an ed. The competition factor, and what not.....I really wish I had a close friend that I felt like I could relate to....and hang out with....and call to talk to when I am struggling. I have a few good friends I've met online and we keep in contact, which is helpful, but it's not quite the same as having a freind you can physically hang out with f2f when you just need someone else there....
A lot of times lately I just wish I had someone I could go to when I'm struggling....and feel safe....safe from ed.... (no worries I'm not a harm to myself or anyone else) other than struggling with an ed. When I say "safe" I guess I just mean that feeling of comfort and protection, that when I'm around this person/people I feel understood and "safe". Not that I'm in any harm...just often lonely, and isolate with ed...which = no good. Often I'm not strong enough on my own, and when I'm by myself I'm often edgy, contantly have to keep guard and be on my toes for ed. It would just be a relief to feel protected from ed, and not CONSTANTLY have to be on guard....it's relentless.....and extremely tiring and draining...
Well, I feel like this post is probably long enough....so until next time...
Friday, January 27, 2012
First Blog Post
So...I'm a little apprehensive about blogging and the idea of documenting my deepest feelings/thoughts online. I've heard once it's out there....it's out there...and there is no taking it back. Even if I were to delete a post there would still be some record of it...so that causes me some anxiety and makes me think twice.
I'm also terrified someone I know will find my blog, put the pieces together, and realize my "real identity" without me evening being aware...
However I'm learning there seem to be lots of things that make me anxious...
I struggle with an eating disorder, have for several years...it's mind boggling when I think about it some days...just how long I've been struggling. I wonder how I continue day after day like this. Miserable, feeling alone, simply existing and not living. Trapped in a viscious, relentless, sometimes seeming like a never ending cycle. Some days I think it's just become the norm for me, I've forgotten what it's truly like to live without the daily struggles of an eating disorder. I get a glimpse every once in a while...yet it seems inevitable that I get sucked back in.
A little about me currently....
I'm struggling to find truth. Not other people's opinion about what my life "should" look like, not what I think my life "should" be like, but the absolute truth....What is GOD's purpose for my life?? How has HE created me to be...and I KNOW I have a purpose. I'm just unsure of what that is at this point...
Specifically I've been struggling with the idea of medication, and whether I may possibly have a true chemical imbalance that REQUIRES medication. I'm not a big fan of meds...however it's been suggested to me that I should try them, and truth is I'm really struggling right now. I'm torn however...because there have been periods of my life where I was doing better, and more driven without the use of meds. I also question what is caused by a chemical imbalance, and what is just part of my personality and the way I was created.
Like I know I have high anxiety levels...always have, but that simply to me is not a reason for me to be medicated. I believe I need to learn healthy coping skills for dealing with it (no ed is not a HEALTHY coping skill), and not medication to make it "go away".
I don't know...there is so much more on my mind, however my mind is generally pretty restless. I'm gonna save my other thoughts for another time...
I'm also terrified someone I know will find my blog, put the pieces together, and realize my "real identity" without me evening being aware...
However I'm learning there seem to be lots of things that make me anxious...
I struggle with an eating disorder, have for several years...it's mind boggling when I think about it some days...just how long I've been struggling. I wonder how I continue day after day like this. Miserable, feeling alone, simply existing and not living. Trapped in a viscious, relentless, sometimes seeming like a never ending cycle. Some days I think it's just become the norm for me, I've forgotten what it's truly like to live without the daily struggles of an eating disorder. I get a glimpse every once in a while...yet it seems inevitable that I get sucked back in.
A little about me currently....
I'm struggling to find truth. Not other people's opinion about what my life "should" look like, not what I think my life "should" be like, but the absolute truth....What is GOD's purpose for my life?? How has HE created me to be...and I KNOW I have a purpose. I'm just unsure of what that is at this point...
Specifically I've been struggling with the idea of medication, and whether I may possibly have a true chemical imbalance that REQUIRES medication. I'm not a big fan of meds...however it's been suggested to me that I should try them, and truth is I'm really struggling right now. I'm torn however...because there have been periods of my life where I was doing better, and more driven without the use of meds. I also question what is caused by a chemical imbalance, and what is just part of my personality and the way I was created.
Like I know I have high anxiety levels...always have, but that simply to me is not a reason for me to be medicated. I believe I need to learn healthy coping skills for dealing with it (no ed is not a HEALTHY coping skill), and not medication to make it "go away".
I don't know...there is so much more on my mind, however my mind is generally pretty restless. I'm gonna save my other thoughts for another time...
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